


Be Here 'Til Forever

by Birdsquirrel



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: AU: Morality Changes, AU: Poe grew up in the Resistance, Beta Wanted, Childhood Friends, Depression, Disturbing Childhood Behavior, Force Sensitivity / Autism Parallels, Gen, Harm to Animals, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Intrusive Thoughts, Obsessive Behavior, Protectiveness, Telepathy, The Force, all ur force sensitive faves are autistic, as i hope to explore in future fics, don't be fooled by the focus on ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 08:23:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5778379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdsquirrel/pseuds/Birdsquirrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they are children, Poe takes care of Ben. Later, he still tries to.</p>
<p>Fill for prompt: Poe is a double agent</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be Here 'Til Forever

**Author's Note:**

> A fill (kind of, loosely) for the following prompt:
>
>> We've had those AUs with Hux secretly working for the Resistance, with Kylo doing the same, and now I want to see Poe working for the First Order. His reasons and motives are up to you, but one thing's a must - he isn't blackmailed into it or smth, he is more than willing and happy to be a part of the Order.  
> I prefer Poe/Finn or Poe/Kylo, though anything is ok.  
> Tbh, I just thought of Poe/Phasma, I guess this would be a non-essential bonus.

Poe Dameron is six. His mother is dead and his father is trying to cope, but sometimes trying isn’t good enough. General Organa comes to visit them one day. The next they move into a set of rooms just down the hall from the general. She keeps an eye on them, invites them over to dinner often, and introduces them to their neighbors. When Poe isn’t out taking lessons or at home sleeping, he’s usually in the General’s living room with a dozen or so other kids. Most of them are older than him. Most of them have lost a parent. At two years old, Ben Organa-Solo is the sole exception to both of those trends.

Ben is very quiet, except when he’s very loud. Technically, there’s always an adult around somewhere, but it’s expected that the older kids will take care of the younger kids. None of the older kids much want to take care of Ben. They don’t like how the baby stares, silent and unsmiling, or how he breaks into crying fits without warning. Poe is usually the first one to try and figure out how to calm him. Soon, Poe can tell if Ben is hungry or dirty or wants someone to talk to him from the moment he starts crying.

* * *

Poe is nine and Ben is five, and Ben won’t stop following Poe around. Poe gets teased a lot because of his tag-along, but he doesn’t mind the younger boy. He knows that Ben’s parents, try as they might, just don’t have much time to spend with him, and Ben doesn’t have much in the way of friends. Poe does his best to make sure Ben never feels alone or unwanted. It’s hard, though, because most people don’t take the time to understand his young friend. Adults call him difficult, moody, or a problem child. Children are more direct; they call him weird.

Ben screams and cries a lot, even for a five year old. Sometimes, it’s because he got water in his shoes. Sometimes, it’s because he looked at the sun and it hurt his eyes. More often than not, it’s for no apparent reason at all. General Organa says that her son is feeling fluctuations in the Force. Poe doesn’t entirely believe her, for a while. Then, Ben cries inconsolably one day, screaming himself hoarse until he is so exhausted he falls into a fitful sleep. That night, word comes of a slaughter. An offshoot group from the fallen Empire had gotten ahold of a cache of weapons and bombed the surface of a thickly inhabited planet to dust. Poe asks to sleep in the same room as Ben. When the younger boy wakes up, Poe is there to tell him that he is safe, that he is alive and that Poe won’t let anyone hurt him.

Ben’s peculiarities aren’t limited to screaming, however. He’s never really grown out of silently staring at people. Poe knows what it means by now - Ben doesn’t trust them. He’s afraid they’ll pick him up without warning, that they’ll treat him like a cute little doll or an annoying animal; that they’ll say something and get mad at him if he doesn’t understand. He puts all his concentration into trying to figure them out, trying to anticipate their movements so he can feel safe. If it’s just him and Poe, Ben never stares. He’s happy to play and chatter about whatever crosses his mind. Poe tries to make sure people are gentle with Ben around him, and Ben notices. People are always surprised by what a talkative child he is when he has Poe by his side. Still, there are few people Ben ever smiles in front of. Poe is one of them.

* * *

Poe is eleven and Ben is seven, and Ben talks more openly now, but people still treat him like a pariah. Ben doesn’t talk like the other children. He talks about politics and starship parts with the ease and precision of someone two or three times his age. He asks questions no one is comfortable answering to a child. He talks about things he _shouldn’t_ know about, and rumors are going around that he can read minds. He screams less often, but hasn’t stopped.

Poe wishes he could protect Ben like he used to. After his academic lessons are done, though, Poe now has extra studying to do. He practices in the flight simulators, reads about engineering, and follows the same workout routine as the adult pilots. Poe has always known he was born to fly, but now he has the simulator scores to prove it, and people are beginning to have expectations of him they don’t have of other adults. Poe refuses to fail them.

He doesn’t want to fail Ben, either. Whenever he has spare time, he spends it with the other boy. They go on walks in the woods near their families’ compound. Poe tells Ben a little about his piloting practice, but he can tell it bores the boy, so mostly he just listens. Ben tells him about what he’s learning in lessons and reading in holos; about the wild creatures they see, which Ben often observes in his free time; and about things he won’t tell anyone else.

“Poe?” Ben asks one day, sitting on a rock overlooking a pond. His voice is calm and sweet, but Poe can see the nervous way he plays with the edge of his jacket. Poe goes to sit beside him, careful to fold his hands in his lap so Ben can see he’s not going to grab him.

“What’s wrong, Ben? You can tell me.”

Hearing the reassurance, Ben lets his distress show on his face.

“Am I a bad person?”

“No, Ben. Of course you aren’t. Did someone tell you that?”

“I have bad thoughts, though,” Ben persists. Poe stays silent, and Ben continues. “Real bad ones. I think I could hurt one of my classmates and do it so fast no one could stop me until it was already done, or I could hide and listen when Mother has people over and learn things I’m not supposed to know and tell those things to - to people who aren’t supposed to know them, either.”

“Do you want to do those things, Ben?” Poe asks. He gazes out over the pond so Ben doesn’t have to look at him to answer.

“No!” Ben doesn’t quite shout the word, but comes close. “But I keep thinking them, all the time. Awful things, Poe.”

Ben draws a shaky breath, then resumes talking, his voice as soft as Poe has ever heard it.

“Today, I thought about how we always come out here alone, for hours, and you can’t swim, and there’s a deep spot in the pond just a little ways off the path and…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence, just tries to keep his breath steady enough not to start bawling. Poe switches his gaze to Ben’s shoulders, still careful not to upset him further, but letting him read Poe’s face.

“It’s alright, Ben. Everyone has thoughts like those sometimes, and some people have them more than others. You have them and you let them pass, ‘cause you don’t want to do them anyway. I know it’s scary, but it doesn’t make you a bad person.”

To Poe’s surprise, Ben turns and hugs him tightly. Poe leans into the hug and gently pats the other boy’s back. After a long moment, Ben lets go.

“Thanks, Poe,” he says, swiping tears from his eyes.

“Anything for you, buddy,” Poe tells him.

* * *

Poe is twelve and Ben is eight, and Ben shows him the most amazing things when they’re out in the woods with no one to watch them. Ben can make leaves, sticks, and heavy branches dance through the air with a wave of his hand. He can walk right up to many of the creatures in the woods, or call them to him. He can pluck thoughts out of Poe’s mind.

They make a game of it. Poe will think of a code and Ben will try to find it. At first, Ben has difficulty picking up on specific thoughts, rather than just emotions. When he can manage to find the code in less than fifteen seconds, Poe begins learning how to hide thoughts from him. At first, it’s just holding the thought out of Ben’s mental grasp. Then, Poe learns how to clean up the loose ends in his mind that allow Ben to unravel such simple shields. Poe learns how to make one thought seem like another one, or hide it entirely. Every technique he learns, Ben learns how to beat. Every time, Poe thinks of a new way to fool his friend. It’s great fun.

Soon Ben can read his thoughts without needing to looking at him, then without needing to be in the same room. They meet up after lessons and Ben happily comments on things Poe saw or did throughout the day. Ben even learns to project thoughts into Poe’s head. He’s mischievous about it, too, prodding Poe to imagine his teachers with silly beards during class or to remember the lyrics to a catchy song while Poe is trying to give a presentation. Poe gives as good as he gets, recalling with vivid clarity the kiss one of his classmates gave him on a dare when he feels Ben’s mind brush against his own. Ben is still young enough to find kisses disgusting, and Poe enjoys the current of alarm and good natured offense he feels from Ben’s thoughts whenever this happens. To keep things fresh, Poe makes sure to kiss more of his classmates. He develops a reputation as a _little flirt_ , which suits him just fine.

One day, he’s walking toward their favorite meeting spot, practicing his newest shielding technique. Ben can already break through this one if he tries, but otherwise tells Poe it’s like his mind just isn’t there. It must be more effective than Poe thought, because Ben doesn’t realize Poe is coming. He’s crouched on the edge of the clearing with a little furry flying creature perched on his palm, nuzzling his fingertips. Ben bounces his hand slightly so that the thing flaps into the air above him and watches it fly towards a nearby branch. Before it gets there, he raises his hand and curls it sharply into a fist. The creature tumbles out of the air.

Poe’s concentration on his shielding breaks and Ben whips around in alarm. Poe can feel Ben’s emotions roiling off him as the boy projects without meaning to - _fear / anger / shame / disgust / fear / fear / fear / anger_. The current of emotion is terrifying, like being swept into river rapids. Barely thinking, Poe turns to run.

“NO!” Ben screams, throwing out a hand. Poe’s legs seize mid-stride and he tumbles forward. The rocky ground tears into his face and the torrent of outside emotion changes, but continues - _startlement / fear / shame / guilt / anger / shame / fear_. Poe has just enough control of himself to flip onto his side as Ben runs up to him.

“Poe!” Ben is sobbing, tears streaming down his face and Poe can’t believe he ran from his younger friend, can’t believe he let Ben think for a second that Poe was rejecting him in any way.

“Ben!” He says, and focuses _hard_ on _love / calm / affection / togetherness / calm / love / love_. Ben falls to his knees beside Poe and hugs him.

“I’m sorry, don’t hate me, I’m sorry,” he gasps and Poe drags himself into a sitting position so that he can return the hug.

“It’s okay, Ben,” Poe tells him. “It’s alright, buddy, we’re alright. I don’t hate you.”

Ben sniffles against Poe’s chest and Poe pulls the hug tighter, continuing with his reassurances.

“Nothing you could ever do could make me hate you.”

* * *

Poe is thirteen and Ben is nine and, sometimes, when they go on their walks in the woods, Ben gets in this mood. Only, it’s less like any mood Poe knows and more like an absence, all cold calculation and impulsivity wrapped up into one. Those days, Poe keeps a lookout so Ben can do whatever he likes without fear of being seen or judged. _It’s not like he’s really doing anything so terrible_ , Poe justifies to himself; _it’s not like anyone cares for the little scurrying creatures deep in the woods_. It doesn’t happen often, either, only once every week or two. Once, Ben gets blood on his shirt. Poe takes him down to a shallow part of the pond to scrub it, then lectures him, gently, on being more cautious.

Usually, though, they do other, more enjoyable things. Ben treats mock-fighting with sticks for swords like a drill. Poe isn’t sure where the boy learned his technique, but it’s more than enough to keep up with the older boy and flashy to boot. Poe actually learns from him. Poe wants to show off his new skill, but thirteen year old pilots-in-training don’t get much chance to duel with swords.

The explore deeper into the woods than they used to. They leave the trail often, but Ben never gets lost, so Poe is happy to follow him. One day, Ben takes them far, far from the path, to a field full of huge stones that, upon close inspection, Poe realizes are ruins.

“How did you find this place?” He asks in awe.

“It called me,” Ben says, and Poe has no trouble believing him.

The ruins are too far out to visit on a regular day, but whenever they have a day off, they make the trip. There’s not much for Poe to do there. He studies the stones, but they are all tumbled down and worn smooth with age. Ben - Ben sits, for hours, quiet and relaxed - peaceful. One day, as they’re headed home, Ben turns to Poe.

“You always follow me out here. I know it isn’t the same for you as it is for me, but I really appreciate it. Thank you.”

Poe smiles, a little bemused, but touched none the less.

“No problem, buddy. I’d follow you anywhere.”

* * *

Poe is fourteen and Ben is ten, and Poe is afraid for his young friend. Ben never smiles for anyone, these days. Sometimes his eyes lose focus for a few seconds, and he is still like a statue. When he comes back to himself, it is always with a gasp. Sometimes, he comes back silent, sometimes angry, sad, or frightened. He almost seems to recover after a few minutes, except that Poe can read the tension in his hands and his shoulders and in his voice. Ben is always on edge, now. He won’t tell Poe what’s happening to him, though Poe can tell he knows. After Poe begins voicing his concern, Ben becomes better at hiding whatever it is that is happening to him. He manages to keep his eyes focused on something, to stifle his gasp and the flood of expression.

Poe does what he can to help, and mostly feels useless and alone. He wishes that they had time to go to the ruins, but they hardly have time for even their regular walks. Poe has graduated from simulators to co-piloting on planetside runs. Ben, it seems, always has chores to do - the most inane things, like his parents are trying to keep him busy. When they can find time together, it’s tense, with none of the ease that has always come with their friendship. Ben hardly talks to Poe anymore. Sometimes, though, they just sit together; Ben holds tight to Poe’s arm, and Poe knows that at least he is needed.

Poe hears a lot of things he shouldn’t. The Organa-Solo family’s rooms are like a second home to him. People like him, a lot, trust him, and treat him like his promise as a pilot makes him a full adult member of the resistance. It’s not that he’s ever in the same room when it happens, but sometimes he’ll be passing by and hear snippets. He hears a few names said in the same sentences a lot. _Luke_ , said with fondness; _Ben_ , said with trepidation; and _Snoke_ , said with absolute contempt. Still, it’s a shock when Ben comes to him one day, crying so hard he can barely speak.

“They’re making me go!” he manages to sputter, wrapping his arms around Poe’s middle and clinging as tightly as he can. Poe hugs back in kind.

“Who?” he asks fiercely.

“Mom and - ma - my mother and father! They’re making me go with Uncle Luke and I don’t want to and it’s gonna be really, _really_ bad, but they won’t listen. No one will listen, but I _know_ it’s gonna be bad. I know it!”

“I’m here, I’m listening, and I believe you,” Poe tells him. Ben breaks the hug for a moment to look Poe right in the eyes and Poe feels as Ben pours over his brain, assuring himself the words are true, and then Ben curls against his chest like he’s trying to bury himself there.

“I don’t want to go,” he says. “It’s all bad if I go, everything’ll be bad.”

Poe does his best to argue with the General, to tell her to listen to her son, and she looks at him like she’s never looked at him before, the way she looks at the adults who try to stand in her way.

“This isn’t your business, Poe Dameron,” she says, her voice like steel. “You are not privy to all the facts, nor should you be. I know my son means a lot to you, but don’t you dare think he means more to you than he means to me. I’m doing what’s best for him.”

Poe opens his mouth to argue and her glare manages to get even harder, even sharper. Poe tucks his head down.

“Yes, General,” he says. He never really trusts her again.

She lets Poe be there to see Ben off, at least. The boy refuses to go of his own volition, so his uncle picks him up and carries him bodily up the ramp of the starship. Poe can feel Ben’s fury and helplessness projecting from him like a mirror to Poe’s own. For a moment before the ramp closes, however, Ben looks up from his uncle’s shoulders. Their eyes meet and Ben’s voice in Poe’s head is gentle, sad, and defeated:

_Goodbye._

* * *

Poe is fifteen, and sometimes feels feelings distinctly not his own. They are frustration, sadness, anger, boredom, apathy, and many other things, but not happy. Never happy. He throws himself into his training.

* * *

Poe is sixteen, and he hardly ever feels feelings distinctly not his own. He goes to parties with his fellow students, flirts with anything that moves, and spends any spare time left over alone in the woods.

* * *

Poe is seventeen, and he is always surrounded by people. There are people at school and in the trainee barracks, and the closest he ever gets to alone is when he gets to copilot a run between planets in the system. He wishes he had time to go to the woods. It always felt less lonely there.

* * *

Poe is eighteen and begins flying solo missions. Sometimes, when he’s far off planet, he thinks he can feel Ben reaching out for him, but he’s never really certain.

* * *

Poe is nineteen, and the Jedi Killer earns his name. Poe spends three days out in the ruins, mourning the death of his friend at the hands of the monster. On the third morning, a mind brushes his own. Though it’s only for a moment, it tells him everything he needs to know.

_Alive / Survived / Horror / Power / Strength / Join / Follow / Please? / First Order_

When he walks back on base, people look at him like he’s a ghost. He tries to get on the roster for the next mission out, only to be told he’s grounded on psych leave.

* * *

Poe is twenty, and the First Order is rapidly strengthening. He is allowed to fly planetside as a copilot, now. One day he overhears the general talking to her husband.

“I don’t care how damn good he is, I’m not sending a suicidal _boy_ anywhere near where he might see combat.”

Poe is not suicidal, but he realizes he hasn’t been acting that way. He gets a haircut, goes out with his fellow pilots, goes to dark and private corners with his fellow pilots, and practices his smile in the mirror.

* * *

Poe is twenty-one and is sent on a solo flight into the edges of First Order territory. He has to retrieve information from a communications deadzone and not get caught. He gets caught, on purpose, smiles winningly at his stormtrooper captor, and offers up a deal. When he flies back home, no one there is any the wiser.

* * *

Poe is twenty-two, and the Resistance is losing ground. There’s a rumor that there’s a leak among the ranks, but General Organa trusts her people. Poe practices his shielding techniques.

* * *

Poe is twenty-three and receives an award made out of spare parts. It reads “Most Pilots Kissed.” He kisses some more, for good measure.

* * *

Poe is twenty-four, and everyone knows he likes his missions dangerous. If there is a solo mission into First Order territory, he’s always the first to volunteer for it, and he never gets caught.

* * *

Poe is twenty-five and has not felt so much as a whisper from Ben since that night in the woods. He has thoroughly ingratiated himself to the General and all her people. If only he gets enough information to the First Order, he thinks, Ben will come for him and he will not have to keep doing this.

* * *

Poe is thirty and wonders what if will take to become worthy of Ben’s attention. He is patient, though, and good at what he does.

* * *

Poe is thirty-five and thinks that maybe Ben really did die that night all those years ago. It doesn’t change anything.

* * *

Poe is thirty-nine and strapped to a torture device and Ben Solo stands above him, looks at him, tears through his mind without recognizing him. Something is shielding Poe, or rather shielding Ben from Poe. Poe feels it as Ben claws through his mind, a misty coolness that keeps his thoughts of their friendship from Ben’s touch. He does not know who has done this, or why, and it hurts as much as anything else done to him on that chair. Whoever did such a thing, Poe eventually reasons, did it to hurt Ben.

Poe is here with Ben now, though, and will not let anyone else hurt him.


End file.
